How Do you know each other?
A oft-heard question at gatherings. "Hi!" "hello".. This is So & so.. yada yada yada. Then other intros and some links appear unexpectedly and.... inevitably the question comes up.
"Eh.. How do u know each other?"
Same JC? Same platoon? Same dance group? Same Sec sch? What does it matter anyway?
Some times I just wanna answer 'She/He is actually my mistress/gaylover. Care for a 3some. We're very good'. Just to shock them beyond comprehension. Then again they'll prob laugh it off and continue pestering you with the ruddy question for a straight answer.
What's the point of the exercise anyway? What's it to them if they don't get a straight answer?
Even if they do; it doesnt stop there, once you dun say one-of-the-above typical 'sch/cellgrp/NSmate/colleague' responses, cos prob u say through a fren or something vague or mebbe u can't recollect really; you're subjected to the doubtful 'issiiit' and followed by the incriminating stare and a once over. Like u became that bit more doubtful to them.
Why? Why do people do this? Why is how I met so-and-so a concern to you. It's not even a significant other most of the time. Those get the juicy details follow up interrogation; so I can safely explain it through the kaypoh-ness factor. But for two frens, does it matter I don't have a definite link through some darn sch or something? Or are singaporeans kaypoh abt everything? I dread that thot.. Perhaps cos it's very highly probable. But knowing pple through the usual channels is too ordered.
In fact I think it's way stratified the way we link up through our educational and employment circles. It's so... snobbish. I think it's way cooler to not be able to pin ur finger on how u met that friend yet have such a strong bond of friendship. It attests to the strength of your like and respect for one another that transcends superficial boundaries like junior college TGs and university modules friends. You became friends in spite of no common heritage or link. You were drawn to each other's company cos of interest or the way you think or whatever other unique reason. That shows ur friendship is that much more special than the mundane friendships, no more aptly described as acquaintances, you usually get through the normal routes.
It's when u don't have common time or don't have easy common ground that the true friendship pick up. I'm not saying friends we meet in school are not close, some of my best buddies are from primary school and university and the like. What I'm saying is it's so much more brilliant to have friendship cut through classifications and divides and classes. It just shows the wonder and brilliance of friendship. True friendship. Not your colleague who sit next to u everyday or the 'fren' that takes all ecas with u.
True friends, come from anywhere. So quit asking. It's not for u to know sometimes, and definitely not for u to judge.
- end rant -
posted by MrTan @ 5:59 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
I noticed that you had to field an unusual number of that same question tonight. I wish you did give that secret lover/ wicked date/ wild fling answer though, it would have been deliciously interesting:)
It is pretty damn annoying to be given the once-over and to have to explain your “method of acquaintance”, as if that captures some quintessential reason for your existing friendship. But I guess it’s all part of small talk, where you also follow up with the usual “What’re you doing now? Still studying? How’re your holidays? …blahblahblah”
But I realise that people ask that question and the rest of the small talk comes flooding in, to fill the silence after getting introduced to somebody new. After the exchange of names, there’s almost always this aural void that opens up, and pple are uncomfortable with silences, so it’s filled with these questions that might seem asinine later, but at that moment, are quite… practical. Or useful, if you will.
In our own ways, we lament this subconscious anxiety of needing to fill up spaces. I guess this lamentation might have smthg to do with the superficiality of conversation that follows, among other explanations. And you know, the “How do you two know each other” question is so frequently asked because we don’t even stop to consider its significance. It’s become such an essential cliche that it seems natural to ask and answer it.
…I don’t know if you’re finding what I’m saying far-fetched. I sense that some pple find the things that brew in my mind a little… uncommon – what a wonderful thing euphemisms are. But indulge me for a bit more, and get attuned to the quirks of my mind. Yours truly has one final theory that might explain this little disaster of a question:) It’s that pple find comfort in making associations.
Let’s re-enact it. First, you’re put in an alien environment that’s out of your comfort zone. You look around and see several new faces, averted gazes and shuffling feet. These new faces catch your attention and imagination, because novelty is almost always intriguing;) sooo you do the whole teeth-baring act ( I mean smiling) and the quick-fire round of exchanging names come in. And the dreaded query is uttered. By you. In your mind, you imagine kicking yourself really hard in the shin – why the hell are you asking that same question that you can’t stand other pple asking you – and then when you hear “Oh, we attend the same school/church/monastery” you nod and smile. But actually that’s natural, wanting to draw some kind of association between two pple, one of whom you know and the other that you’re just meeting for the first time. Humans are slaves to categorisation, it helps us to deal with things and start understanding things easier when we categorise and label things. I know that this can be loathsome, because of the inevitable judgmental slant of this labeling exercise. But it is necessary to draw these associations, no matter how tenuous they are, to form at least a small impression of how relationships are established. These labels and categories help to define the person you’re being introduced to, and making an association between two pple helps to refine that definition a little further, no matter how kay-poh inspired that might come across as.
But luckily, true friends later move on from this small talk, to engage each other in more personalised, intimate ways. The gift of genuine camaraderie is nourished by the deepest wellsprings of soulful kinship that is manifest in so many different ways. And yes, I absolutely agree: True friends do come from anywhere. So does a dark shadowy nemesis haha
-end (terribly long) rant;)-
J: Faz why does that incur your wrath? Possibly ppl are just trying to get a feel of what you do, what subject you study and therefore what questions to ask you. Its all part of small talk.... no? :)
Hmm.... Yes it is irritating the way people have to FIND SOME LINK to this friend and so and so....
But I think it's how we're conditioned by society to do so. It's protocol... polite small talk as J above mentioned.
Do you seriously think people give a damn which church you went to or which platoon you were from?
They're just asking to break the silence. And the initial awkwardness. So give them a break bud!
It's a tough world out there. And you can't please everybody.
hah yup. so true. but i admit to doing it, too. though not because i judge i try not to. it's called polite conversation, small talk. i dunno. i rather sleep.
how goes pink IC?
paul
Admittedly it is a rant and there are justifiable reasons for it. But just one of those things that bug me at times esp when mindlessly done, but yesh hafta accept the small talk sometimes :)
Abt the link: Isn't it weird how people need that? A tad hypocritical sometimes. Neighbours who NEVER talk to each other, then when they travel on holiday overseas to the same place suddenly they're best friends, for example. People behave very interestingly..
Anyways thanks for the views people. Nice.... (esp the 'other' rant. haha. Is that u noir?) Do leave ur monikers with ya comments pls, If u dun mind :) But I Do understand anonymity sets u free to express. hahaha.
Maybe I'll do more of these thoughtful, rather than descriptive entries.
Hmmm… freedom ironically comes with responsibility, so posting anonymously shouldn’t theoretically be any different from attaching one’s moniker;)
hahaha yeah I was your fellow “rant-er”
-Noir
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