Lost

What had been worked so hard for to be the trip of a lifetime together is now seemingly making her hate me.

I am lost, confused and despondent.

Lost because what she just said has shattered my view on the foundation of our relationship.

Confused because she had flipped from being as dismissive as this to wanting to repair things later based on the same set of issues and facts. Two extreme reactions despite the same circumstances - I am on an emotional roller-coaster which I am afraid I will fall off or worse still I may let go, not because I don't want the ride but I cannot take the emotional up and down I am going through.

Despondent because from what she just said, this is the beginning of the end. All I hear if how unhappy she is with me. How ungentlemanly and unhelpful I am. How bad I am for her. How defective I am. Perhaps she had this illusion and expectation of what she wanted in her husband and she is now realising I do not match up to that vision cos the reality has set in. I am not her father and I am not her ex-boyfriend and it seems I do not have her respect any more for sticking to my principles and who I am.

I have never seen things as good or bad but rather as sets of trade-offs without any value judgment - I think that there is a way to compromise on anything as long as both sides are willing to but both sides must want to work together even when everything is not right. Often times when we fight I seem to be pulling together for the both of us and I am tired.

I will keeping fighting for this until I fall off the roller coaster but perhaps I may have to accept that she is realising that I am not who she wants to be with afterall.